publishing

The more eagle-eyed among you may have noticed this in Esquire. Or this on Amazon. And it's true. This strange little site has morphed into a strange little book. Due out the middle of Octboer and already being discounted by Amazon. Which may not bode well.

(I should point out that the synopsis on Amazon bears little relation to what's actually in the book - it's publishing blurb which I'd never seen before. Oh well.

I should also point out that the book on Amazon lists, and the cover shot above shows, my name as Russell Davies - which is unfortunate because there's another Russell Davies who's written more and better books than me and there may be some confusion. When the book comes out it'll actually be by Russell M. Davies. Is that less confusing? Probably not.)

Anyway, I'm currently persuading the publishers to let me publish the whole thing on here under a Creative Commons licence. But in the meantime I thought I'd bung up some of the stuff I wrote that didn't make it into the finished product.

Here's the first bit:

What’s that in your tines?

A good ebcb experience is about much more than food. It involves all thirteen of our senses. So here’s a comprehensive list of all the best sensory bits of a good café experience.

Top Ten Cafe Sounds

1. The distant sound of drilling. There’s nothing like the sense that hard manual labour is happening somewhere else to make you appreciate sitting on your arse, enjoying a fry-up.

2. Frying-up. Obviously.

3. That terrifying scream of steam you sometimes get from the espresso machine – like The Flying Scotsman was trying to excrete all its awesome twentieth century power into a tiny Italian cup.

4. A badly tuned radio. Ideally something nostalgic and poppy. (Though the New Piccadilly always used to put The Archers on which was a splendid idea.)

5. The brushy scrunch of man-made fibres on formica. Nylon anoraks, high-viz jackets, messenger bags, nothing natural here.

6. The quite chatter of traffic wardens comparing mornings. (A traffic warden is a sign of a great café. They know the best places.)

7. The repeated flushing of a loo. Someone’s in the basement trying to get the toilet to clear. He’s pulling the lever again and again, but never has the patience to let the cistern refill properly and so never achieves sufficient thrust. We’ve all been there.

8. The headsplitting scrape of metal chair on tiled floor as a larger gentleman tries to find a comfortable position abutting his butty.

9. That really annoying Nokia ring. The one everyone has. So it’s always accompanied by the rustle of pockets being investigated and bags being unzipped.

10. The innocent laughter of tiny children. Outside. Not bothering you in here.

Top Ten café smells

1. Bacon. Obviously.

2. Coffee. Equally obviously.

3. Ammonia. Less obvious, but it suggests that someone’s done some cleaning at some point. Which is good.

4. Mouldy foam seat stuffing.

5. A moist Daily Express

6. Thai food wafting from the restaurant next door.

7. That slightly disturbing chemical smell you associate with the killing of insects on an industrial scale.

8. That manly mix of day-old beer-breath, cheap aftershave and nicotine chewing gum.

9. A suggestion of urine from the loos – or is that the kidneys?

10. Cigarette smoke – endlessly recirculated by a creaky old fan.

Top Ten Cafe textures and feelings

1. Dried egg between the tines of your fork.

2. The slight give of an orange plastic seat accommodating the contours of your bottom

3. The crunch of sugar under your tea spoon, especially those lumps you find in the sugar bowl clumped together with drops of tea.

4. The smooth, smooth rub of a chair-arm burnished by decades of sleeves.

5. The bundled-up comfort of eating your food with your big outside coat on. (When will they turn the heater’s on?)

6. That glorious equilibrium point where your chair’s tipped back perfectly.

7. Squeezing the farty ketchup out of a large plastic tomato.

8. A dribble of vinegar on your fingers, slightly burning the exposed skin around your cuticles.

9. The smoothness of a formica table top, with the little cracks and blemishes that your fingers find and pick away at without you noticing.

10. The thin, thin yellowy paper your order gets written on.

Comments

[mills70]

Ooh! Congratulations!!!!

This is a most excellent idea for a book and I can't wait to get a hold of a copy (which may be difficult here in the US). I plan on having me ol' Dad cook me a proper fry up next time I see him next week. A little bit o' tradition in the family...

[AugustusGloop]

LOL. Great set of lists. I laughed with resonance at every single one of them!

Congrats on the book deal. That's very cool.

[russell]

thanks guys,

mills70 - if you can't get a copy in the US via amazon or someone, let me know and I'll send you one. I'm committed to flooding the world with the scale of my ego.

Augustus - glad you liked the list. And I love your blog. Very nice.

[Wing]

Fantastic, will the cafes in the book be london ones.

I have yet to order a ebcb from anywhere. normally favouring a full brekkie. One day though !!

[russell]

the cafes aren't just London. They're all over the UK. (Well, the bits I normally get to anyway.)

[Rachel]

Utterly fantabulous site.

I am an especially big fan of farty ketchup bottles.

I also like cafe art, especially framed Princess Diana pictures and magic waterfalls ( the magic waterfalls photos in frames where the waterfall appear to move, I think they are some kind of optical illusion thing.)

[abi]

will this book be available on Amazon US anytime..?

[russell]

abi - I'm not sure. I'll find out. If it's not I'm sure we can get you one somehow.

cheers

russell

[Marcus Fletcher]

Hello.
What an awesome site / book idea!!.
I've recently been diagnosed diabetic on a ccount of my sedantary lifestyle and daily grease intake.
I've taken my new diet seriously and as a result,
I miss fry ups terribly. Your pictures are doing me no favours!
Thanks for reminding me theres nothing wrong with English cuisine, and that 'Real Cafe Culture' isn't dead.

[Marcus Fletcher]

oh yeah . I really want one of the ebcb T-Shirts .
Do you have any left ?. . also . .e-mail me
because I have an awesome idea for a new design !! . . You can HAVE it for nothing if you want to use it, such is my enthusiasm for your cause...
Talk to me . .

[russell]

Marcus, there are some left. And I've just emailled you.

cheers

russell

[anna]

i liked your web site but did not get to read it all becuase its too long.